At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
