i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
