omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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