I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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