just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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