a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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