Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
