I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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