Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I am midnight drunk by noon
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
