My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
