the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
