somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
