it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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