I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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