that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
