I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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