I just pynch a tree in the face
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
