Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
