Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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