I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My breath smells like gin and sadness
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
