God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
