Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
