Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
