it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
