I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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