Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
he quoted the bible to break up with me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
