She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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