Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
