the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
