she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
