I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
