Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
