I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
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