I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
