I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
