you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
