Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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