Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
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