Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
