The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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