Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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