Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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