I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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