i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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