she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
