Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
