Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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