I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
