??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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