He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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