Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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